As women, we may talk ourselves into getting into a relationship or staying in a relationship because:
- He's cute, he's funny, the sex is great.
- I'm lonely, and feeling a little desperate.
- I just don't want to have to date anymore.
- I think I can really help him if I'm nice enough, wait long enough, say just the right things, etc.
Many women don't even know they've signed up for one of the above reasons. It takes reflection and honesty to find underlying truths like these. It's often helpful to use a good friend (or coach) as a sounding board.
Assessing things...
After an honest assessment of your relationship using guidelines like the four above, you may end up deciding your reason for getting into (or staying in) the relationship is a bit shaky.
At that point, you can reflect on how (or if) this new information is going to change anything. You may also find you've uncovered additional things by now, such as communication differences, different future goals, religious preferences, amount of time you each have to actually date, etc.
As you continue your soul searching, I want you to know about another, more serious list.
If you experience even one of the traits on this list (they range from harmful to dangerous) please walk away immediately.
Violence
There's never a good reason for a man to hit a woman out of anger or frustration. A good man is always able to control his temper, even when pushed to the edge (at which point he will make himself walk away instead of physically lashing out).
Violent men often blame the woman: "If you hadn't said or done (fill in the blank) I wouldn't have hit you." It's important for you to know that this is never true! A good man will never hit a woman.
Staying with a violent man will decrease your self-confidence and self-esteem (which might have already been low if you were attracted to him).
There are many people ready to help you leave a violent situation. Call the Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233. Talk to a church counselor/pastor. Talk to a social worker or therapist.
Blatantly mean
If the guy you're with is "blatantly mean", your first clue will be noticing that you feel worse about yourself when you're with him.
He may criticize you constantly - who you are, what you do, who you know, how you look, what you say. He may isolate you from friends, family and other support people in your life. He wants everything to be his way.
Lying
Pay attention if you notice him lying about what he's doing, who he's seeing, and how he's spending his time.
If he won't talk about how he spends his time, then you can't stay with him. If he won't share his passwords, won't let you look at his phone or computer viewing history - this could be signs of a huge problem.
It's important when considering this trait that you watch for the difference between small white lies (that are told to spare someone's feelings) and deliberate lying (to hide bad behavior).
Cheating
This can include both emotional and physical cheating.
Everything you do with other people (especially of the opposite sex), you need to be able to share ahead of time with your partner. For example, if you're going to have a business meeting with someone of the opposite sex please tell your partner ahead of time and always meet in a public place.
If you (or your partner) don't believe you can tell each other what you're doing then you probably shouldn't be doing it. Another example: If you're unhappy with your partner, it's important that you tell them or a therapist and not a co-worker.
Lack of self-control
This applies to addictions. Alcohol, drugs, porn, shopping, gambling, etc.
If he's addicted there won't be much room for your relationship. His life will be filled with obtaining money to ensure he can continue his addictions.Also, if he is consumed by an addiction, he can't be his best self (and you deserve someone who can be their best self with you).
Suppose you meet someone who is a recovered addict. In that case, before you enter into a relationship with him, it's best if he (1) has been in recovery for at least a year and (2) continues to participate in support meetings.
Neglect
There are a variety of ways you can be neglected by your partner. Maybe he works all the time. Or spends time with other people without you. Perhaps his hobbies or TV watching takes him away from you. It's important for each person to have outside interests and activities. This makes their individual life be full and interesting.
At the same time, these interests and activities must still leave plenty of room for the relationship to flourish with time spent together.
In conclusion...
It's important for men and woman to feel safe, confident, and comfortable in their relationships and to know for sure they can trust the other person with their mind, body and emotions.
Getting into or remaining in a relationship that includes any of the six negative traits will create the exact opposite type of relationships.
I hope you'll use this list to assess your current and future relationships. My wish for you is that you'll be treated with the respect you desire and deserve.
Did you find descriptions of yourself as you read this? If so, I'd love to hear from you. Send me an email.
Christine Baumgartner
Dating and Relationship Coach
714-290-6166